you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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