I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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