I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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