I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
id be glad to
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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