why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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