Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
