The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
