Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
God, I missed his penis.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize