i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I touched a dick in church today
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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