Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
