Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
