So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
