I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
