R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
