K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
