doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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