My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
