We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is it because I queefed?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Operation Purity has been aborted
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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