You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
