Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize