this beer tastes like vomit already
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
