You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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