Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
