the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
