My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
