I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize