Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
