So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
