On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize