i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
