final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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