i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
