you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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