Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im part way to drunk.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
