then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
