I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
