yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
