I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
