just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I party with great urgency now.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
