I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
