It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
