so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
