he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
