i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
