I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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