My nipple is on Facebook.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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