i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
