I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
