I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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