My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
