I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
