I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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