Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize