I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
