Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
