So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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