I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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