Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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