Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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