i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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